This came courtesy of topi
. I've been thinking similar things for a while now.
First of all, you are fat. You are ugly. Your breath stinks. You are unpopular. Your car sucks. Your house sucks. Your life sucks.
You are not witty. You are not smart. You are ignorant. You are stupid. You will never make it in this world. You are unpopular. You will never amount to anything. You are nothing.
Your diet is poor. You have low self-esteem. You have cellulite. You have ugly toenails. You have blackheads. You have body hair where it just shouldn't be. Your eyeballs are not white enough. Your teeth are not white enough.
Secondly, you are fat. You should go on a diet. You should eat more hamburgers. Your breasts are not big enough. Your breasts are too small. Your breasts aren't small enough or big enough. Your penis is too small. Your nose isn't right. Your butt is too big. You should make yourself sick. You should eat more hamburgers.
Your dress sense sucks. You have no style. You are one of the crowd. You are a follower. You are a freak. You don't fit in. You are a lah-hoo-ser. You have no charisma. You are not sexy enough. Your favorite band sucks. Your favorite brand sucks. Your clothes suck. Your shoes suck. You are retarded.
You don't have enough money. You should work harder. You don't have enough things. You are unhappy. You need more. You are unsatisfied. You are not moving forward. You are not keeping up the pace. You are lagging behind. You are one step behind the rest.
You are doing it all wrong. You need to change. You need to see that change is good. You need to follow us. You need to be individual. You need to fit in. You need to think outside the square. You need to stand out. You need to know the rules. You need to know the secrets. You should be yourself.
Thirdly, you are fat. Your legs wobble too much. Your teeth are crooked. Your face is wrong. You are not thin enough. You are too thin. You need to eat more hamburgers.
You are lactose intolerant. You are iron deficient. Your cholesterol is too high. Your calcium level is too low. Your blood pressure is too high. Your iron level is too low. You need to get liposuction. You need to lose weight. You suffer from premature ejaculation. You are far too dependant on drugs. You need to buy more drugs.
You are bipolar. You have attention deficit hyperactive disorder. You have post-traumatic stress disorder. You suffer from depression. You are manic. You are not happy enough. You suffer from road rage. You suffer split-personality disorders. You suffer marriage problems. You are not right. You need to buy more drugs.
You should stop smoking. You should buy more cigarettes. You should stop smoking. You will get cancer. You will die anyway. You should have fun. You shouldn't have fun. You should be fashionable. You should keep ahead. You are lagging behind. You should be individual. You shouldn't care about what you do. You are free. You should go your own way. You should follow us.
You watch too much television. You need to stay tuned. You are fat because you watch too much television. You should watch more television. You should be individual. You are going to be a star one day. You are nothing. You should eat more hamburgers. You should drink more syrup. You are too fat.
You should not be who you are. You have to change. Buy this product.
My name is Marketing.
Now buy my freaking product already.
And no, I didn't write this, nor did he. Feel free to pass it along.