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Changing the world
one mind at a time
Since I'm awake anyway, here's the story of my first ex. JJ, see if… 
25th-Sep-2001 05:51 am
me
Since I'm awake anyway, here's the story of my first ex. JJ, see if you recognize any of it.



The phone rings, and I answer it, unsure who it could be. A voice speaks in my ear, and I am summoned to him. I tell my mom that I'm going out for a while, and she looks at me strange. I think she thinks I'm on drugs, but I'm not. But I'm not about to tell her the truth of my errand.
A few years ago, I met Mike in my Boy Scout troop. He laughed when I told him I'd never jerked off before. We ended up being tent mates at summer camp that year, in what could only be called fate. I remember, because late at night when all were asleep, we talked in the low hushed voices of boys discussing the unmentioned. He slowly got me talking about my dick. He showed me his, and I showed him mine. We even measured them. His was longer, but mine was thicker. He and I talked about trading blowjobs, "a suck for a suck", but I was too afraid to do anything about it.
Then two days before the end, John came to our tent. John showed us his dick, and it made both of ours look small. He and Mike invited me to follow them, and I did. They led me to this clearing in the wood, and I watch John suck Mike's dick. And when I see this, I feel this pain in my stomach. I keep thinking it must be disgust, but I knew better, I was just afraid to admit it. And in a surge of nascent jealousy, I did what I could do. I went and told the Scoutmaster.
I walk out of my house, artfully dodging Mom's questions. I know she hates Mike, and if she knew all that I know, I'd be in deep shit. Mike doesn't live far away, but I take an indirect route to get to his place. I don't want people to know I like him at all. I have a reputation to maintain...
Mike's offers of sex led me to question myself often after leaving camp. I discovered the joys of masturbation, but even as I tried to think of girls, Mike's face kept creeping in. I was obsessed, but too scared to make a move. And then, my opportunity came, again through Boy Scouts. Our troop was parking cars for a quilt show at the National Guard Armory. I went to the bathroom, and Mike joined me. He and I walked to the shower and talked in quiet voices, concerned about being overheard. I asked if he remembered our deal. He nodded. I worked up my courage, and massaged the growing bulge in his pants. He laughed and unbuttoned my pants. And we stood there, taking our time, I know, to let me get used to the idea.
Mike's waiting for me in the doghouse, the backroom of his storage shed in the backyard. It's hot with summer heat, and there's no light unless he flicks his bic. I look at him, his wiry body, his olive skin, the mousy brown hair that always feels so soft. I love his little giggles, and the geeky coke bottles he wears to see. I wish Mom wasn't home so we could enjoy each other someplace more comfortable
Mike was massaging my dick in the shower, and I finally got my nerve up. I slowly worked my way down and gave his penis three fairly quick sucks. At the time, it seemed an eternity, and my stomach had that same feeling again. I felt the colossal feeling of rightness, mixed with my mind screaming that this was wrong. Mike, seeing my nerves worked up, kept his end of the promise and returned the three sucks. I got the nerve again and sucked him more. He again did the same, but then he licked my balls. I nearly shot my load all over him, but I felt the fear returning quickly.
Mike and I start kissing, having recently discovering that taking time to warm up makes it more fun. I love the way he touches me, and I love that he understands what I feel. I rub my hands across his body, savoring the feel of his body. No matter who else has tempted me, I always come back to Mike. We know each other
The first time Mike spent the night at my house, Mom was out of town. We had been finding ways to get together for about two years at that point, and had spent time learning how the other's body worked. We learned that Vasoline was no good for butt fucking, but we did work on just fingering each other, trying to get used to it. We sat in the basement, our lust satisfied temporarily, and he gave me my first cig. At the time I referred to them as Marlboro Greens, but Mike laughed, understanding my ignorance. I had just found out Mike had slept with another guy, and I was pissed as hell he hadn't told me, the other guy called and told me. Mike was over making it up to me. He found my prostate, he showed me how to fuck him, and I gave him my first and last ever rim job. It was the happiest night of my life.
Mike cums fairly quickly. His grandparents won't let him leave the house very often, so I know I'm the only one he's getting any from. It shows I've kept him waiting too long. He finishes me off in style, and we smoke a few cigarettes together. I pray mom won't smell it when I get home. Our conversation dwindles, and I realize that I'm scared of losing him. I know he chose me after the affair, but I still worry. I know he knows I stacked the deck
I had just got my Ride Waite tarot deck. Mike was coming over, and I wanted nothing more than to hurt him, to see if he loved me. After we had sex, I brought out my deck, which I had stacked before he got there. I gave him a really horrible reading, and I watched the pain in his eyes. Then I told him to leave. As he walked out I realized what I had done. It was my turn to make it up to him.
Our conversation drifts here and there, and I realize again that I love Mike, but only when we're fucking. The rest of the time he's a friend. I can't stop thinking about him. I keep thinking about him in my free time. I know I'm fucked up in the head, and I know that we're in trouble, but I don't want to lose him
I invited Mike back two weeks after the stacked deck, and tell him the truth. I did everything I could think of to make it up to him, but I could still see the resentment in his eyes. I knew that things were going to be bad. But I wanted him to be mine.
It finally gets too hot in the dog house and I have to leave. Mike and I whisper goodbyes, and I walk home again, not knowing what our future holds. I only know I'm scared, and not just of mom finding out. I just want Mike. Maybe next year when I'm in college, I can fix things. But now, I have no answers
Mike has left me, him and his little bitch. I can't blame him, I tried to fuck Gregg after it became clear that we were over. But now, Gregg is with Mike. I swear, I never meant to hurt Mike, but Mike can't leave with me for college tomorrow, so I'll just have to learn to live without him. Hell, he hasn't answered one of my calls since what my mom calls the "orgy"
One of Mike's last acts of vindictiveness was to set me up with Chrissy. I liked her ok, but she seemed disappointed that I didn't want to fuck her. I enjoyed her as a friend. I loved taking her to King's Island, and it was she who introduced me to Gregg in the first place. Gregg was living with Eric and Chris, Chris being the guy who fucked Mike that called me the next day to tell me. Being a vindictive bitch, I set my sights on fucking Gregg to get back at Chris. I succeeded, but only after fucking over every friend I ever cared about and nearly getting myself arrested. It was when Chrissy's sister was down, and the three of us picked up Gregg and for unknown reasons went to Keith's house. Chrissy and her sister had a threeway with Keith, while I fucked Gregg. He wasn't very good, and I tried very hard to get out after realizing that Gregg wasn't worth it. I walked out the door, figuring Keith could give everyone a ride home, only to find the Sheriff standing in the driveway. I walked in unnoticed and told everyone to get dressed. As it was, I got interrogated, and set free. Keith and the sisters weren't allowed to leave. Gregg and I drove back to town. I guess the next day he told Mike what happened. Mike stopped calling. A week later, Keith's dad called my mom and told her Keith's version of vents. I didn't have the courage to tell mom the truth. Better she thought I was fucking a girl that to ever find out.
I drive to Wal-Mart to get some last minute furnishings, and as I drive by Pizza Hut, I see Mike isn't working. I wish I could say goodbye before I leave. I drive on, and go to Wal-Mart to get my lamp. I run into Robin, and I talk to her, and realize she still thinks she loves me
I dated Robin in 11th grade, figuring she'd make a cover for Mike and I to get together, Besides, it was she who asked me out. When I noticed how obsessive she was, I broke it off. And in a sick way, I loved seeing her hurt. But then I decided to try and make it up to her. Then I changed my mind, and told her the truth. She told me I was the only fish she wanted. I decided to write her a note telling her all these awful things just to hurt her again. It worked. I never talked to her again until Wal-Mart.
Robin and I make peace in the aisle, and I walk to the checkout. Carla is in my lane. Carla, Mike's fiance, who I have been the other woman to for many years. I ask her how Mike is. She tells me he's fine and has been trying to get a hold of me for weeks. I think to myself that mom must've taken those calls. I thank her, and walk out to my car. I drive home in silence, trying to figure out what I can do to get over him

Mike's coming tonight! I keep thinking that as I load dough onto the proofer racks. I finally get to see him again! I'm so rattled, I drop a box of large dough. Dan yells at me, and tells me to go to North Main for more dough. I thank him, and drive. I drive up 4, and try to figure out what to say to Mike tonight
I called Mike once my freshman year, figuring a six-year relationship would qualify us for a one bedroom in the Village. Mike's grandfather told me he was put in a special place for troubled youth. I cried for days at the news. I knew in my heart I couldn't help him now, and set off to find another like him. My search results never worked out. I came to discover that all men were superficial assholes, and went celibate. Then I met Ed, and he was sweet. But he was a troll, proving that I was just as superficial as the men I went after.
I finally get back to Page, and I slip and forget to switch Mike's gender. This is the first I've ever mentioned that I'm gay to the night shift. Day crew knows, only because I got a guy's number when he ordered the buffet
My sophomore year in college, I wrote a letter to Mike and sent it to his Grandparents. A month later, I get a reply, return address: Orient Correctional facility. Mike's in jail. I was so happy to hear from him, I wrote the next day, after running around the Woods and telling everyone my good news. I got him to send me visitor's papers, but I never got around to going to visit. I was too scared he'd reject me.
A large van pulls up in the lot. Is it him? No. I get antsy, but we're busy. Another van pulls up, and Mike gets out. I try to control my bladder as Mike walks in. He sees me and that smile I love crosses his face. I forget all of my vows and kiss him in the empty lobby. Dan walks out and tells me to go home. Dan's smile says all I need to know
I saw an ad in The Dayton Voice that sounded so much like Mike. I wrote the guy in the ad, and three days later, mom tells me Mike called. I tried not to shit myself when she said this, because her lead up told me she didn't approve. I finally asked if she got a number, She said yes and gave it to me. By then I was no longer listening to whatever else she said. I called as soon as I hung up on mom. The line was busy. I swore a lot. I tried again. Still busy. I stalked out of my apartment, and visited friends. I tried calling from their place. Still fucking busy. I walked back to my place. Mike answered the first ring. I talked to him for hours and finally made arrangements to see him in a few days in Toledo. I had to take Bryan with me, since we were picking up a friend of his and taking her to Tiffin. Bryan proved to be an interference in my plan to talk to Mike alone, as did Mike's sugar daddy, Duane. I left, unsatisfied, but tried to console my self with Mike's happiness. Then, in May, Mike called me and told me he and Duane were coming down. I gave him directions to Donato's and told everyone the score.
I go to my truck, and have the two of them follow me home to College Park. I escort Duane to my neighbors' apartment so he can smoke Toledo pot with them. Mike and I walk to the Pit, and talk. I apologize for my behavior many years ago, he laughs and forgives me for loving him. We walk back up to my apartment and find Duane smoking with my roommates. Duane asks if I want to do a mnage-a-trois with him and Mike, but I decline. Mike follows me into my bedroom. I silently thank every deity I can think of, and Mike and I undress. The passion I remember is still there, still beating between us. We slip into our usual 69, and then I tell Mike what it is I want. Mike agrees, under the condition that I do the same to him first. I walk over to my night stand and grab my KY. Mike lies me on the bed and positions himself on top of me. As my sperm is released, I smile at Mike. Mike laughs that charming laugh, and positions me to receive him. It is the first time I have ever let someone do this to me, although I have let others try before. I take great satisfaction from it, realizing why it is Mike enjoys letting me do it to him. We lie in bed, turn on the radio and talk more. I realize that I love Mike, but I now see that he and I are destined to walk separate paths. I offer up a silent prayer that our paths cross again. We walk nakedly to the bathroom to wash up, laughing at Duane's snoring. I wash Mike, he washes me. I know that Mike knows as I do that our destinies are separate, so he is just as determined as I am to get everything he can tonight. Mike and I walk back to my bed, and try to get as comfortable as two people can in a twin bed. I tell Mike I love him. Mike tells me that he loves me. I believe him. I once thought that Steve was the best I have ever had. Mike just disproved that. I savor his arm around me. I sleep after I hear his snores, and I dream. Or at least I think it's a dream. A celestial being whom I know as Mike comes to me in my state and tells me that our paths will cross throughout life and that we will be together again. I smile, and sleep deeper.
I wake up to knocking on the door. Duane is yelling that it's time to go. I look at Mike and accept our fate. We enjoy one last embrace, and he walks out the door
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