The following sarcasm/satire is brought to you by those sick of politics and Xmas music that started Nov. 1st. It should not be taken seriously.
With the November elections just a few days away, I think perhaps it is time to suggest a few winning strategies that will help us as Americans regain pride in ourselves and our American God-given values.
First of all. As I'm sure most of you are aware, most of us here in the South are concerned about the mackeral snapping, spanish speaking unskilled laborers pouring across the desert to undermine our economy in kind of a voluntary version of old time slavery, and more than a few from the industrial north worried about our jobs going south of that border. Well, folks, here's a solution that will solve ALL our problems, plus distract us from the Vietnam in the desert!
Let's invade and annex MEXICO! No more immigration problems! Once our southern border extends to the Yuctan Penninsula, no one will have to try and cross the border, since they'll be second class US citizens! And then we can make all those greaseballs learn English, the official language of the US!
Strategically, this also puts us in a position to later take over Central America, filled with Banana Republics our businesses want, that are also generally ruled by the wrong type of totalitarian! The possibilities are limitless! Imagine, wil the US extending south that far, We would be in a position to clean out the drug lords of South America AND extend a more visible hand in getting rid of more on the wrong side of the aisle elected dictators like Hugo Chavez! Failing that, we could just take over South America, giving us unlimited access to oil, which would allow us to say FUCK YOU to the middle east!
And as an added bonus, most of them would welcome us as liberators, throwing roses at the feet of the troops as we occupy their cities! No more foriegn aid, they can sink or swim just like our unsupported 50 states do now!
Don't like that idea? Well, how about finishing the war we failed at twice, once in 1776 and once in 1812! We can invade CANADA! Not only would this allow us to force our Fundy Christian agenda onto those misguided fools up north who socialized health care and allow consenting adults to marry and enjoy the benefits of doing so, we could also carry the drug war north, and stomp out all those pot smoking hippies in Vancouver! OOO! And we can prosecute all the draft dodgers who fled north in the 60's instead of letting their daddies get them in US based operations! As an added benefit, we can take our crusade to make English the only language spoken on North America to Quebec, soon to be renamed New Washington. Hey, they're of French decent, so they, like their forefathers, should roll over and surrender at the first sing of our glorious military on their shores!
Just think, all of the living space we could ever need, the chance to give America a war that can be won, and all of this can be yours if you just ELECT ME!
I'm James Ebert, and I approved this message. My opponent is an asshole.
On a totally unrelated note, My internet still hasn't come. But my interest in history continues. Currently reading about the failed invasion of Canada in 1812 and the naval battles of Old Ironsides in 1812. Which is really interesting since not only did my hometown get a shoutout as the staging area for the army that was headed to Canada via Detroit, but I got dragged to see the USS Constitution back when I was a child. All those trips to New England as a kid are paying off, since I can now make connections between all the historical artifacts I saw with what they represent.