Here we go:
1. Beer: I sell it.
2. Sex: Wee?
3. Relationships: getting better
4. Purple: hooter
5. Power Rangers: Voltron dumbed down even further.
6. Weed: wasn't that a character in saved by the Bell?
7. Steroids: who wants a shrinking dick and ballsack?
8. Cartoons: Most of the new stuff sucks. although robot Chicken rocks.
9. The President: May he burn in the hell he'd send me to.
10. tupperware: I like making it fart.
11. Florida: There's a reason it has its own FARK tag.
12. Santa Claus: Did you know he's also the patron of pickpockets?
13. Halloween: John.
14. Alice: Kiss my grits.
15. Grammar: gameonics is annoying.
16: Myspace: it's growing on me.
17. Worst fear: missing the brown recluse with my shoe.
18. Marriage: a good excuse to extort gifts from friends.
19. Paris Hilton: I like her better with a dick in her mouth so she can't talk.
20. Pat: Tillman: I'm out of the loop on this one.
21. Redheads: mostly dyed, it seems.
22. Blondes: Julie Brown.
23. Pass out: after work
24. One night stands: no longer an option
25. Donald Trump: Is he still alive, even?
26. Neverland: Captain Hook
27. Pixie Stix: Yay for diabetic comas!
28. Vanilla ice cream: better with Kaluha
29. Hooters: I like boobies.
30. High school: Thank g-d it's over?
31. Pajamas: boxers.
32. Wood: elves
33. Wet Socks: need a dryer.
35. Love: usually an illusion.