I'm back, and I had 61 new messages in non-junk mail alone. I'll give a better summery of my weekend in hell below...
Richard, my brother picked me up around 5:30 in the afternoon to go to the hotel. Joy and rapture. 6 hours in a Kia Sephia with a sibling is Cruel and Unusual Punishment. Particularly when he started pumping me for information. Gee, we talked about dad, ghosts, and aliens. All the while he's smoking through 2 packs of Marlboro Lights. At least he paid for the Burger Death. The only real excitement on the way was revisiting the hell that is Plainsfield, Indiana, a "City of Family Values". If I ever get around to posting it, this is one of the landmarks on the now Legendary Trip to Tulsa.
We stopped at a rest area once we got past Effingham, IL. Illinois rest areas suck. The bathrooms have no walls between stalls and urinals. To top it off, three busses filled with High School students pulled in the same time we did. I know I'm going to teach them someday, but I really hate teenagers.
We get to the hotel much later. Fortunatly, Richard drives fast, so I didn't have to deal with much more of his damned "redneck" accent. It's bad enough he is one, but when he drawls, I want to wring his neck. The high point of the hotel was the night clerk, who looked a bit like Tom Cruise in Top Gun
. That and I love the key cards. I can amuse myself for hours playing with those. Well, anyway, mom summoned us to her room after we got there, dressed in her Hawaiian muu-muu. She proceeded to bore us to death with details of her trip. While I look forward to seeing the pictures, I could care less about her bf for the trip. If I have to hear one more word about Darryl, I will secede from the family.
Well, anyway, the whole Betz clan was there. A scorecard for those of you just joining us.
Paul G. Betz-Mom's brother, alcoholic asshole. Politically right of Attila the Hun. Came with his new gf, Jane.
John Betz-Paul's son. Alcoholic as well. Just had a nasty divorce. Came with Mary, his new gf.
Ria Betz-Can't remember her married name, but she was the wedding I went to last month. Ria and Rick have 3 kids, two of which are his from a previous marriage. Ria's ok, but she's a wigga chick half the time and trailer trash the other half.
Jacob and Daniel Betz-John's other 2 kids, both of whom are still in High School. Daniel is the family clown and Jacob is the trouble maker.
Doug Gamble-Married to Lois, Paul's daughter. she died a few years back. I like Doug, but I still think they drove the kids to hard to fit into a particular mold. Mom doesn't understand this.
Tom and Becca Philbrick-Becca is Lois and Doug's oldest. the Betz's claim she's ehy her mom died. And they wonder why she started drinking heavily.
Brent and Mary A. Lueking- now married. Mary A. is the one who pees rosewater.
Martha and Rachel Gamble-Rachel is the non-entity, and Martha's a wild child.
Michael and Katrina Gamble-Doug and Lois's adopted kids. Michael's currently in Juvi boot camp for trying to kill off his adoptive clan. Katrina has a learning disablility, but I love her dearly.
Janet Ebert-Paul's sister, aka Mom.
Richard Ebert-my brother tha hillbilly.
You get the idea here.
Anyway, I end up talking to the desk clerk all night because Richard snores, and he's sleeps with the TV on and the AC cranked. I go to bed around 4AM, CDT.
Richard got us a nice lunch from Hardee's the next morning. We all the go to the wedding, which was half an hour away. Let me describe the hell the wedding was. First, I want to know when the Lutheran Church started using Crucifixes. The crowd behind the alter actually had a statue oof Jesus floating in front of it. The music all had lyrics about "Jesus's blood is so beautiful that I should marry you while drinking it". The bridal party had 8 attendants. The minister gave a long sermon extolling on the joys of heterosexual love and children. Now mind you, while I sit there rolling my eyes, Rich is playing Tetris on his Cell phone. Bastard.
After we finally get out of the church, we drive back to the hotel, and I run to CVS to get a card for the new couple. When we get to the reception, Rich drinks about 5 beers. He's feeling no pain. Mom had about 6 when she got there. I think Uncle Paul drank a keg by himself. Me, I drank two glasses of champaign, feined illness after the traditional dances, tossings, and toasts, and retired to my room. Richard came back later, and mom then took us cruising in her rental, a 2003 Cadillac. Richard and I had to explain half the functions to her.
So, after a dinner of McDonald's, Rich goes to bed, after first making me watch a Jerry Springer dedicated to strippers.
I decide to wander around for a while. Well, I ran into a puking Becca, who kept apologizing for being drunk. I pointed out that I was smoking, so we all need a vice. Well, Tom and I go talk after Becca passes out in front of the porceline god. I found out about his bisexuality, Becca's drinking, and the strained relationship between the sisters as well as Doug. So after we talk, I go wake mom up, and she and I talked for two hours about my fraternal grandparents, as well as Nana. No wonder I'm so screwed up. Both sides of the family are a fucking Lifetime Original Movie.
So, this morning, We wake up and eat breakfast with mom, who has a hangover. Heh. Ammuntion for the next anti-smoking lecture. That and the whole "Well, your brother quit, so why can't you?" I still laugh about that. Well, my brother spends the whole ride home telling me why Conservative is the way to be, as well as telling me that money is the cause of all happiness. (He's a Capricorn, his wife's a Taurus. They both are obsessed with money. Go figure. They don't have a marriage, they have an accounts payable worksheet.)
I was so happy to get home, I passed out. Then I went to work. Now I'm typing this.