Since I've mentioned it a few times...
My friend Bryan had issues, most of which could be chalked up to his mother. To give you an idea, we all referred to her as Endora, who put the bitch in Bewitched
. Bryan, who I met via ISCA BBS, YouthQuest, and P-Flag, was also a transsexual lesbian. I guess that means he was interested in beoming a woman, but he wanted to sleep with women as a woman. The mind shudders.
Anyway, he met Carla on ISCA. Carla was another lesbian in a man's body who happened to live in Tulsa, OK. Basically, Carla invited Bryan to move in with her and her two roommates. Since I knew Bryan was born to waffle, I decided to be his syrup and offered to drive him down.
Plans were set for the move. I would pick him up on a Friday in February of 1996, we'd load up my Isuzu P/up, and drive the 12 hours to Tulsa. I got a map, and planned the itenerary. I-70 to I-44, I-44 to our exit. I got a bunch of work done to the Pimp Mack (a fond nickname for my truck, which was low and had pastel designs), and we were set to go.
I was supposed to be at Bryan's at 8:00 AM. Bryan called and woke me up at 8:30 AM. I drove to Xenia, where I found that Bryan hadn't even started packing yet. Once we discovered that his bed wasn't going (unless he planned on being naked a lot), the packing got easier. We had the truck loaded and set off at 11 AM. Well, we tried to. Neither of us had eaten, so we hit Bob Evans and ate lunch, where I ran in to the associate minister of my old church. Bad omen #1
Well, after that, I filled up the gas tank and headed out I-70. the Pimp had no radio at the time, so we ended up singing Alanis's Jagged Little Pill
album most of the way to Indianapolis. "Ironic" being the song of choice. Bad Omen #2
Trouble hit about the time we passed the first rest area west of Indy. Pimp's backend started swinging wildly out of control. At first I thought he was getting his groove thang on, but soon realized we had blown a tire. I ended up walking back to the rest area and calling AAA. The tow truck showed up about an hour and a half after I called. I took him the mile out to where pimp sat, and the driver informed me that the tow truck wasn't the one he needed to get the truck up. He instructed me to pull out in rush hour traffic and into the median on 2(!) flat rear tires. Ducking any number of collisions and breaking a bunch of laws (including a few related to physics), we managed to get into the gravel strip. The driver went back to get a better tow truck. Well, the next time we saw him was about 3 hours later. He finally got the truck up and drove us into Plainsfield. A sign at the City Limits proclaimed this to be "A City of Family Values". Bad Omen #3
, considering the rainbow flag and other pride stickers on Pimp's ass.) Goodyear was closed. The driver pointed out a cheap motel where we could stay. Fortunately, Wal-Mart was open. We got the tire fixed, but only after a nast lecture from the redneck mechanic on how the truck would never make it on aluminum rims. (He did get points for being cute though.)
So by this point, we'd been delayed around 5 hours. I was hungry so we ate at Pizza Hut. Our waitress's name tag declared her to be "Cybil". I counted about 3 personalities when she served us. Bitch while taking the order, mopey while serving the order, and cheerful when we left.
Well, we got back on 70 finally. By this point, it was dark. So much for making it by nightfall. When we hit Terre Haute, Bryan decides to tell me that this was the farthest he'd ever been from home. I declined comment.
Now, for those of you who have driven I-70 through Illinois, you know that other than Effingham, there is NOTHING between Indiana and St. Louis. And Bryan chose that point to go back to sleep. So, I ended up driving across Illinois listening to him snore. I stopped one to get smokes.
Finally, we hit Misery...er, Missouri. I had wanted to see the arch, but the turn onto I-44 is in the middle of a bridge, so I got to see it for about three seconds before I almost missed the turn gawking at it. At around 3AM.
We ended up stopping in Rolla. I was hungry, and there was a Steak 'n Shake. Unfortunatly, Rolla is basically one big Ozark. Which meant trying to navigate a testy standard gear shift down the side of it to park. We went in, the place was trashed, Bryan ate his cheese fries with his mouth open, and I about screamed. I was so irritated right then. I went and napped in the truck, while Bryan finished his dinner. Whe he finally came out, we drove as far as the next rest area, where I politly explained I was going to sleep for 2 hours. Bryan I guess went into the Ladies room and cried for 3. For those who have never seen a Missouri rest area, they consist of two toilets. That's it.
Well, Bryan woke me up around dawn, and we were off again. We stopped in Joplin for gas, where he tried to call Carla, with no success. I told him we were almost there, we'd try again when we got into Oklahoma. I will say this. Joplin is beautiful. If I ever get a chance, I'd love to go back.
Well, when we got to OK, I-44 turned into a toll road. Ugh. The speed limit also jumped to 75 MPH. YAY!
As we drove, the horizon started showing signs of a BIG golden arch. I told Bryan we were stopping, if only to figure out what the hell it was. Turned out that it's the world's largest McDonald's. Must have been about 10:30 when we got there, since I got breakfast and Bryan got lunch. He also finally got a hold of Carla. We had our final directions, and we were off to Tulsa, home of Oral Roberts University.
Right as we were getting ready to get off the highway, Bryan sez "I changed my mind. Let's go home." I'm lucky not to be in jail for murder right now. Instead, I said that we were going, if only so I could sleep. If he changed his mind, he could go back with me after I had slept. Well, we pulled up in front of Carla's apartment at 11:30 AM, which made me very happy. I looked up and saw two very ugly women looking at me from the second balcony. Then I realized that they weren't women. Bryan neglected to mention that his new roomies were "full-time" women.
Before I continue, let me just say this. Drag is ok by me, as long as it's good drag. These girls who were going to become girls were weareing shit brown house dresses and ferminie 'fro wigs. 'nuff said.
I tell Jennifer, Carla, and Lucy that it's nice to meet them, now where can I crash? I nap on the floor while they unload. I slept for hours. Lucy woke me up and told me to get ready for dinner, since other guests were coming. I showered, realizing that I hadn't brought soap. I was forced to use a loofa and the most froo-froo smelling body wash on God's green Earth. And the entire time, I just kept trying not to think about who else had used that loofa.
So, the guests ariive, fresh from Arizona. One is a biological lesbian, the other is a TS lesbian. We all load up the cars, I have Lucy and Jennifer in my car, and we all gop to Long John Silver's for dinner. Words cannot describe the look on the poor boy's face that had to take our orders. And me the only man.
After that dinner (where I also kept from making lotsa nasty comments about eating fish), We went on a whirl-wind tour of Tulsa. Then back to Carla's apartment, where I drank a mudslide, watched Bryan start his transformation, and then headed out. I kept thanking the Goddess to be out of there.
Well, I ended up spending the night in the Rest Area across from the one I had napped in the previous morning. I woke up freezing, odd since it was actually warmer than it was at home. I went and brushed my teeth, and pulled out of the rest area. I made it about half a mile before I got pulled over by a state trooper. He asked me if I knoew my departure from the rest area was shaky. I said yes, I had just woken up, and I was hungry. He said, that's fine. He checked my license and registarion and insurance, then asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going home to Dayton. He asked where I was coming from. I told him Tulsa. He asked to search my vehicle. I said what?
Turns out that he thought I was smuggling pot and/or cocaine to Ohio. All he found was trash and cigs.
Then I finally made it to St. Louis, with no other adventures. In St. Loius, merged on 70-west by accident. Cussing a lot, I hopped off at the first exit I could find to get turned back around. And ended up driving right under the giant arch. So I got to see it.
Then, as I was getting towards Effingham, the blizzard that had been chasing me started catching up. I stopped for gas in Cloverdale, Indiana, and headed out, still trying to beat the storm. It, of course, caught up right as I got to downtown Indianapolis. Which meant going 20 MPH. and watching as idiots going too fast spun out and hit each other. And I kept think about the fact that no one in my family knew I was there. I could imagine mom's face at my funeral. But I survived, and I made it back to Ohio. I went to LARP that night, and passed out soon after.
A few codas to this adventure. Bryan's mom called me soon after I got back asking for his phone number. I told her I didn't have it, and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't give it to her. She told me she was going to call my mom. I hung up.
Bryan started calling in the middle of the night. It seems Carla was abusing him. I told him to suck up and deal, and get a job.
After I unpacked, I found a bunch of TV/TS porn, along with a MASH note from Lucy. *shudder*
Bryan finally decided to move home a month later. I flew out to help him. Problems arose even then. My flight to St. Louis got grounded, so I ended up flying to O'Hare in Chicago, where I had 10 minutes to switch planes across two terminals. I got my exercize that day. And to Bryan's credit, Carla was a bitch. She hit me. I laughed at her. Carla's gf, "Pine Leaf", told us not to see The Birdcage
because it was homophobic. I told her to watch it herself, then tell me that. I leter ended up flaming Pine Leaf on a BBS after she bitched about GLBT rights. I told her that she had no right calling herself a lesbian because her gf had a dick.
And I guess Bryan has a girl he loves now. Good for them. I'm happy he finally found what he needed.