My friend Herb and I are going to Port Clinton in two weeks. I think I may have mentioned this on several occasions. The high point of this (other than homemade sausage gravy and biscuits) is visiting my adoptive Aunt Judy.
I don't think I've ever really talked about her before on here. Let's talk about Judy.
Ok, when I lived with Herb, Herb kept telling me Aunt Judy and I would get along since we were the only two people he knew who could ask for "Dr. Pecker" in a McDonald's drive-thru. So, his friend Tammy (now married, and let me tell you that was a fun wedding), asked us to come up and protect her from some guy who was harassing her. Well, we thought this would be the ideal time for me to meet his family. Momma and Daddy Mullens are cool as hell. Parents love me. Their kids hate me. So, Tammy and Herb and I decide to get drunk at the Fremont, Ohio, gay bar, The Saloon
. Well, somehow, I get nominated to drive. Let me back up a bit. Ok, we left at 4 in the morning. We ran out of gas in Lima. We had to wait for Tammy to drive from Fremont to Lima so we could get gas. So, we visit with her, and we head up to Herb's house. I end up passing out, and then we went drinking with Tammy. What happened was that I drove us in Tammy's car, since I drove an Isuzu P/up with no room in the cab. (Ah, the late lamented Pimp Mack Daddy Mobile. I miss that truck.) Well, we got invited to an after party by this New York hairdresser (in Fremont visiting family) who sounded like Mickey Mouse sucking helium. Well, we got realllllllly plowed. And I was only 20, and was paranoid about getting a DUI. Before we hit the after party, this red Jeep Grand Cherokee tries to run us off the road. We stop in Tammy's parking lot, and these drunk 1 year olds accuse us of flipping them off. I was resisting the drunken urge to run over the guy's foot Herb had a broken collar bone, but he was ready to lay the smack down and Tammy's egging the guy on. She at one point decided to tell him that his dick was the size of a peanut. They finally got lost, but only after declaring that we "shouldn't say shit to a red Jeep Grand Cherokee". Ok. Well, at the after party, I drink more, Herb gets drunk and asks me if he should screw the hairdresser for free Letterman tickets and a place to crash in Chelsea (Herb was str8 at the time), and Tammy passes out. We take Tammy to a co-worker's place since the guy offered to take care of her, and then we drive her car back to her place and drive my truck back to his parents' house. On route 53, Herb asks me to pull over so he can puke. At which point I asked the now famous, "So did you tie a face on like you wanted to?" comment. I had never heard of "tying one on" before that trip. He still laughs about that. Well, we pass out at his home away from college, and the next day I get to meet Aunt Judy. Judy at the time was living with Poppy, her father. (I couldn't remember his name at one point, so I refered to him as "the guy Aunt Judy lives with".) Well, Judy's first question is if I'm fucking someone. (Let me clarify this. Judy is an older woman, full figured, with dentures. She also chews Redman chewing Tobacco. I love her spirit.) I tell her I was fucking the cable guy for free cabale but he was a "dead fuck". According to Herb, I am the only person to ever leave her speechless. That was the beginning.
So, everytime I'm in Port Clinton or Marblehead, I drop by to visit her. She is an EVIL
spades player. The first time I played with her, she took her glass eye out of her head and rolled it around while I was trying to bid. When Evil Kris and I were on vacation, she brought out Fritz. Fritz was a rather large dildo with a crank on the end. Any time someone went to the bathroom, Fritz qound up on someone's chair. Judy and I took turns demonstrating oral sex on the thing. My all time fave Aunt Judy story was rather serious, but funny in the way it was told. Judy is dating HArry. HArry started taking Viagra. He had a heart attack while they were going at it. Very serious, but quite a lot of humor came out of that. Judy is also the woman who taught me the term "Eating at the Y".
Hell, I gave the woman a butt plug for Xmas at one point.
This isn't to say our relationship revolves around sex talk. Judy's daughter died before I met her. Judy is now more or less raising Brat-trick, her grandson, since her son-in-law works 12 hours a day. I have spent much time talking with Judy about her issues raising him, since he really is a brat. Well, considering how fucked up his situation is, who can blame him? But Judy needs the reassurance that she's not a bad person sometimes. Plus she and I can gossip like old hens about Herb and Stacy, as well as Jason's flavour of the week. This is why I love her so much.
But I digess here. I'm just looking forward to being on a beach. And eating well. And spending time with my adoptive family. *sigh* Two weeks.