Hmm, we seem to have skipped the numb part of being drunk and gone straight to brooding.
I don't drink very often, mainly becuase I fear turning into one of the drunken krauts on Mo's side of the family. Buncha beer-drinkin' Lutherans. And loud. And obnoxious. The men that is. The women are all saints...taking care of their men and fulfilling some long ago devotion to the church. Heaven forbid anyone in our family not fulfill this obligation to either extreme. Oh no...hell, no one can escape this curse. My mom, a suffragette for the new age, still turns into a little man pleaser when she gets around her brother, or her nephew for that matter. John, her nephew, cheated on his wife, stalked his wife, made life a living hell for his wife,and all mom can talk about is what a bitch Vicky was. Or my Uncle, who expects any woman to bow and scrape before him. And so, l'il ol' me, I'm the "faggot", the "kike", and whatever fucking other term they care to throw at me when I get around them. Fuck them. There's a difference between being a loving family member and being a doormat. Try telling that to mom. "Oh, well, G-d gave them to me, so I have to love them." Oh for fuck's sake mom, you went through 10 years of therapy to get over all the shit they put you through growing up, including abuse that deserves castration, and all you can do is pretend that noe of it matters.
Oh and my brother. Heaven forbid he not be perfect. Mom likes to play the guilt game. I think her mom taught her that one. You know the rules. Well, your brother has kids, and he quit smoking, and he's married! And he gets "Well, your brother is back in school, and he's got steady employment..." or we get the "I'm worried about your brother..." schpiel, where she tells us both what the other confided in confidence. It's really bad that I end up whitewashing my life for mom just due to not wanting my life to be the subject of the family grapevine. Hell, a few years ago when I tried slicing my wrists open, she called all the family, her minister, her friends, all to tell them how my depression affected her. I mean, the only reason I told her in the first place was she was listed as my emergency contact at the hospital.
I love them dearly, but in some ways, they really aren't something I want to claim membership in. If all I am is another person to insult, I have no reason to associate with them. Fuck them. May they all rot in their graves unmourned.