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Changing the world
one mind at a time
Adenda and aftershocks 
3rd-Sep-2002 12:53 am
I'm actually talking to the Herb while I type this, so excuse me if it comes out weird.

Ok, taocub and I had this really long talk about why we got involved with people, and how we've changed. I've touched on this topic at other points in recent posts, but tonight, I'm going to go off on the topic for a while.
See, what it boiled down to was that we found ourselves expressing that due to our own self-image perceptions, to some degree, we were constantly looking for people who were willing to be with us. I think I paraphrased that correctly.
For me, I had Mike, and he wanted to be with me, regardless of whatever excuses I can come up with for our relationship. Even when we last saw each other, he still wanted to be with me. That was good. There were downsides to that relationship, but by the same token, it was probably one of the healthiest I have ever been in.
But see, when I got to college, I couldn't find anyone who was ineterested in me. I just kind of flew off and I remember thinking these really horrible thought like "Well, if I can get the group whore to have sex with me, maybe I'm not THAT unattractive" or "If I can get so and so who I don't find appealing in bed, then maybe I'm not that unattractive". Shit like that. Not very flattering. Or the times I went to bars, figuring that if I could get a man with beer goggles in bed, I wasn't that bad. I'll be the first to admit I have an overactive sex drive. And I have found people who who have genuinly found me attractive, but I still refuse to beleive them when they say it. I've also had a few of them fall in love with me, but I couldn't return the favor. And I hate it.

Another set of drama, which I've been doing so well avoiding, has to do with two of my exes who are now dating. I woke up today and realized that I'm actually rather happy for the two of them. I'm not jealous of either of them. In fact, I'm rather ecstatic that they found each other, since I couldn't be what either of them needed. This is such a change for me, since it used to be if a friend of mine got involved with someone, I'd go through a black phase of envy and jealousness over the entire thing. Never anything like trying to sabatoge the fledgling relationship, but it used to hurt. Well hell, long time readers of this forum saw bits and pieces of it here and there, although I don't think I ever bothered to post the horrid jealousy poem I wrote back on May 31st.
But I think maybe it's time I got over it. I used to be happy for people who managed to find each other, even when they were people I loved and cared about. Sooner or later, I will met someone, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Sitting around turning green isn't making life easy for anyone, including myself.
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