Been thinking about what I believe and how I believe and what I practice of late.
This should be obvious based on my posts the past few months.
Add into this I got referred to as "Christianity's 'house nigger'" in another forum by someone who really had no reason to quote Malcolm Shabazz...
Ok, James quit hedging and start talking.
I think much of what has been gnawing at me of late is the number of folks I know becoming ordained through one faith or another at the moment, and how I occasionally feel like I missed my calling. I joke around about not wanting to be clergy on occasion since I'm not the bored girlfriend sitting in to heal people, but, particularly recently, I'm finding the urge to find a seminary of some kind hiding quietly in the back of my mind and soul.
Which, upon further reflection, is probably an extension of my original career goal of becoming a teacher. Which in and of itself is probably a desire to touch people's lives, since I probably won't have offspring of my own to shape and mold.
The problem with pursuing ordination of any kind is that I'd first have to find a religion I agree with enough to practice it. And then I'd have to make sure they could ordain me. (This is the main issue with Presbyterian ordination at the moment. Although I expect the requirement to change sometime soon, it currently states no one can be ordained [including Deacons and Elders] unless they maintain fidelity in marriage or chastity in singleness. Which lead to my mother and one of her friends asking our old minister who PC(USA) was going to appoint to check everyone's bedrooms.)
Then we add on the amount of school involved in becoming a pastor and the facts I can't afford school or qualify for financial aide at the moment. And I wonder why G-d called me if he constantly wants to block the moves I can take to reach my goal. I mean, it's one thing to provide a challenge, and quite another to create untenable positions to the goal laid out. (I'm not being completely fatalistic her, I know and understand that I made a complete and utter mess out of my life in my early 20's. I take responsibility for that. The problem is because of the stuff I did, most of the ways I would like to progress are blocked unless I can figure out a way around some pretty formidable obstacles.) It's not like I want to be doing what I've been doing until I die, I just can't seem to find the financial wherewithal on my current income to fix the issues long enough to reposition my life into where I'd like it to be going.
I don't know, all of this is just me thinking out loud anyway. The truth is I seem to lack the ambition that drives people to succeed in life. I, like more than a few other people have stated on my f-list of late, should probably just accept my fate as G-d's source of amusement and remember that like C-3PO, it seems to be my lot in life to suffer.
Wow, I am negative tonight.