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Changing the world
one mind at a time
Ponderings 
28th-Feb-2010 01:47 am
laocoon
First, my apologies to any of you left reading this. With my eyes as bad as they are, I'm having issues reading LJ. I pretty much have to get right up on the screen to read anything, and even then, O tend to lose words in posts.

But all of this is not what I want to pst about tonight. That's more of an explanation of my silence,

Really, just wanted to record my train of thought at work tonight. I got to thinking about times in my life I've felt betrayed by others, and realizing that it was me who felt betrayed...for the most part, the people who I felt betrayed by have thought they were doing the right thing. Which I'm sure I've done on more than one occasion. And also, most of those moments were back in my youth, before I got better at hiding my emotions.

Which lead into thinking about a series of stories I wrote and wrote about in my youth, and realizing that the characters have grown more and more alien to me as I've aged, because I'm no longer the same person I was when I started writing about them. While they were pieces of me, I'm not the angsty teenager I was when I started them. And I wonder if I can ever go back and finish their stories. Of Brian, the actor who could change his shape and wonder the dreamlands, of Andre the vampire and Harry the werewolf, one the lover of Brian, one just the unbridled passion I felt for everything... of Angel and Beverly, who became Cathy, and then Deborah, then Evelyn before finally reconciling all of her hurt into Faith.... Of Ravenna, the vil bitch who eventually became a succubus and one of the last hoes of reality when the big purple dinosaur from beyond came with hjsi evil henchmen with receivers in their stomachs to eat all the possible timelines... of Daniel, left to rebuild reality after Brian lead one giant sacrifice to save reality from the dinosaur devourer... I wrote a story about them that's posted a few times, where a few of my real life friends and I encounter the people in my head who beg me to finish their story. And in truth, I'm not sure I can. While I love the setting I built for them and the movies in my mind of their adventures, I can't tap into it as easily as I once did. I feel kind of like a grump in the old Changeling game, getting ready to surrender to the banality of everyday existence until my next birth.

Of course, this was also brought on when I was thinking about lucid dreaming, something [Unknown LJ tag] and I were discussing briefly at D&D last Thursday. It's something I can manage on occasion, and I did so this morning. Which was quite rewarding. See, in the setting I had for those stories, it was pssible to enter the dreamlands while semi-awake... the lower areas, to be sure, but still enter them Areas where a dreamer could lucid dream and shape the essence of the dream world to suit them. (Ugh, ok, just for the hell of it, the cosmology was something like this. There were seven realities, one of which had shattered. Earth, another version of Earth that was more or less a reflection of reality filtered throug a Shadowrun type setting, a world where all the works of fiction on Earth became real, the dream realms, Hell, and Heaven. Nightmares were caused by entering dreams near the portal to hell, good dreams from entering by the big spiral light that lead to heaven. The seventh was the realm of human spirit, the shards the seeds of life. Oh yes, and Satan looked like George Burns. It was and is a glorious mess.)

Anyway, I'm also contemplating entering the leather contest in April for the hell of it. I'd have to pull a Hurley (he's a guy I met in Springfield who had come to town for a family reunion. He was in the Cleveland/N. PA area, but now he's in Baltimore... I swear, what is the appeal of Metropolis? I know several people who go there frequently for work or other things, and a few people who live there full time. Haven't been in years.)... Uh, Amtrak... Anyway, Hurley wound up entering some kind of leather pageant because he happened to be in a bar that was hosting one that night. Someone helped outfit him in borrowed stuff and he wound up getting a title. And he looked damn good. Kind of regret not going back to the hotel with him. But I have no idea what is involved in such a thing, nor am I sure people would be willing to let me borrow stuff for a night. But it could be fun, and give me a chance to step outside myself for a night or two and try something new.

Anyway, I need to go to bed now.
Comments 
28th-Feb-2010 02:39 pm (UTC)
I don't have much to say on this, other than that I do understand where you're coming from on the whole outgrowing your characters thing. I have some of the same thing with my story Council of Nine. The problem with them is that most of them have a worldview that seemed to right when I was younger, and now that I'm wiser and understand how the world really works a little better, I also understand that their goals and aims are so backwards, and thus the whole point of the story is skewed.
1st-Mar-2010 04:10 am (UTC)
Really drives me nuts, since I hate leaving things undone with my writing. But I really jsut don't think I can tap back into them as easily as i used to.
(Deleted comment)
1st-Mar-2010 03:25 pm (UTC)
I guess o... not really sure what's involved in the titles, or what the competition is like.
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